A/N: This fanfiction is a parody of a bunch of stuff inspired by Seth's silly gmail statuses. I would just like to mention however that Seth is totally awesome and I'm just having a little fun, with no slight meant to anyone named or referenced in this fic. With that said, enjoy!
Seth Slash Ponies
"Yes! I've finally done it! I've created a portal to Equestria!" shouted Scott Pilgrim. No wait, Micheal Cera.
"It's not Michael Cera, you retard, it's just Sethisto. This is that fic we're writing to troll him, remember?" Ace2401 thought to himself. "Start over, you're doing it wrong."
* * * * * * *
One day somewhere in Arizona, a brony named Shaun Scootaloo (I totally could have used his real last name people, but I'm not going to troll him THAT hard), also known as Sethisto, (or Seth for short) was putting his finishing touches on his marvelous invention, a portal to Equestria. This portal was surprisingly simple to build, and worked by ripping the S-[blah blah blah sci-fi techno-babble that no one wants to read and I'm to lazy to write]-ium for power.
You may wonder why Seth kept this amazing secret to himself, and that's because he really can't handle how much email people would spam him with. Since not everyone is as much of a genius as Seth is, a bunch of people would probably screw the process up somehow, and then expect Seth to help them. That would be more email then anyone could be expected to go through, and he already gets enough stupid email from people like the jerk who wanted an alternate ending to Cupcakes to get its own post on the blog. Really, the nerve of that guy! It doesn't matter if Rainbow Dash was rescued, it's fricking Cupcakes related! Oh wait, that was me. Oops.
The portal was finally completed. It was the moment of truth, or in other words, time to test the sucker out. Seth flipped the power switch, which gave a satisfying click, and the machinery began to whir and hum with life. A brilliant pastel rainbow glow filled the room, and before Seth shimmered the image of the magical land of Equestria.
"Yes! I've finally done it! I've created a portal to Equestria!" shouted Seth, grinning from ear to ear. "And to make it even better, I was able to calibrate it so it'll turn me into a unicorn when I go through! Unicorns are at least 20% more magical than other ponies!"
All of the sudden a siren began to blare, "WARNING! Power levels are over 9000! Portal cool down in 5... 4... 3..." Seth jumped through the portal before it could close, not wanting to wait for the cool down cycle to finish before having the chance to visit Equestria. "...2 ...1." With a brilliant flash of white, the portal winked out. Seth was trapped in Equestria.
Da da da DUN!
* * * * * * *
Just kidding! You didn't think Seth was going to leave the portal running the entire time he was in Equestria did you? Seriously, that electricity bill would have been enormous. Seth, being a pretty smart guy, had set the portal to open once a day for 5 minutes at a time at noon after he discovered that Equestrian time works the same as Earth time. And no, I'm pretty sure none of that is essential to the plot, if this story even has a plot.
* * * * * * *
After leaping through the portal, Seth bounced along the ground until he came to rest in the middle of what appeared to be one of Equestria's major roadways. Something seemed off to Seth, though, as if the rest of the world was bigger than he expected. He also found he couldn't move a muscle. Of course, that was because he no longer had any muscles to move. Seth was now a box. As Seth realized this new development, Seth shouted, "Confound that internet for saying I'm a box! What is this, am I trapped in some lame fanfic insistent on trolling me?"
"Why yes, yes you are. Consider this revenge, man in the box." echoed Ace2401's disembodied voice.
"Revenge for what?"
"Figure it out. I'm sure you're a pretty smart guy. But really, I'm just having a little fun. If it makes you feel any better, at least I made you a magic box. Anyway, let's get on with this, because I'm talking way too much in this story."
"Magic? Cool! I guess part of my transformation worked after all. Hey, how to I use my magic?" asked Seth, but silence was his only response. "Well, this is just great."
As Seth tried to figure out how to use his magic, he heard the faint sound of the banging and crashing of wooden wheels going over the road's imperfections coming towards him. As the magical carriage bore down on him, he noticed that its wheels were on a path to run him over. Not wanting to see how sturdy his new body happened to be, Seth willed the carriage to stop just before being ran over, which also had the unfortunate side effect of throwing the inhabitant of the magical carriage right out her window and into the ground, making a solid thump upon impact.
"Oof!" The mare got up and dusted herself of before loudly declaring, "WHO would dare disrupt The GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie's carriage?"
Seth realized he was in for it, but meeting the self-declared most magical pony in all of Equestria was one of the major reasons he built his portal in the first place. "Uh, down here. Next to your carriage."
Trixie searched around, but she found no obvious signs of life. Admittedly, one does not usually expect life to be found in a box. "All The GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie sees is a box! Show yourself, you unscrupulous fiend!"
"Um, I am the box. I apologize for stopping your carriage, but I was afraid you were going run me over."
"And how would a box stop The GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie's new carriage?" came Trixie's haughty reply.
"I'm apparently a magic box. Oh, and my name's Seth, by the way. I've heard of you. You're the most magical unicorn in all of Equestria!"
"Oh, Trixie likes this one. Yes, The GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie is the greatest most magical unicorn in all of Equestria!"
Seth, wanting to get out of his current rather immobile state, but mostly just because he wanted to travel with Trixie, asked, "Hey, if you don't mind Ms. GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie, could I come with you? I kind of can't move, and I'd rather not have to make home on the highway."
"I suppose you could join The GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie on the road." Looking down on Seth in his current diminutive form, Trixie's voice began to drip with sarcasm. "Maybe I could find a use for you as an assistant for my marvelous magic."
"Awesome! It'll be just like that long arc story I wanted, except even better because I'll be with The GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie!" Seth exclaimed, for anyone who follows his blog knows that he's completely head over heels for the showmare.
And so began Seth's relationship with Trixie.
* * * * * * *
After some time spent traveling together, Trixie and Seth had grown quite close, even spending the nights with one another.
I know what you're thinking you perverts, and they are not having sex. Seth is a fricking box, how would that even work? Jeez, you guys! Get your minds out of the gutter. What's that? I had to think of it first to even put this here? Oh, shut up and keep reading.
Seth had figured out how to use his magic, and to Trixie's surprise, was actually a big help with her magic shows. She even named one of their routines "The Mare and Her Box". They were quite the pair, those two.
We rejoin their story as they are a night away from arriving Ponyville, of all places, despite Trixie's difficulties with the crowd there last time.
Seth pointed this out as, "Hey, Trixie, are you sure Ponyville going to be happy to see you? I... uh... heard that when you performed there it didn't go over so well. I know you are stellar, but I'm afraid your great and powerfulness may be lost on the ponyvillieans."
"Indeed, but I plan to show them how much more GREAT and POWERFUL The GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie has become!" Trixie declared with boastful pride.
"It's hard to believe you could be even more great and powerful, you've always been the most GREATEST and POWERFULEST Trixie!" Seth gushed over his idol/friend/possible marefriend. He really didn't know. It's hard to tell being a box and having no real ways to show physical affection.
"Oooh, Seth... you always know JUST what to say to The GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie," she seductively crooned, hugging Seth to her chest before setting him back down.
"Trixie, you're such a tease." Seth deadpanned.
"Yes, Trixie is QUITE the tease!" Trixie let out a hearty laugh and stamped her hooves on the floor as if she was applauding herself.
Seth grumbled to himself, "Ugh, if only I was a unicorn like I was supposed to be. Stupid author."
"Hey, you're a box, not a perpetually angry eyeball. Don't start acting like one." Ace2401's disembodied voice replied.
"What the heck are you talking about?" Seth shot back.
"Hey, I had to get that reference in somewhere with how much I keep popping in. What better time than right now? Besides, I'll let you have your fun. This fic does have a shipping tag, after all. Not to mention a Trixeth tag and a Twileth tag. Those silly tags and how they always give away plot details."
During that exchange, a shocked looked had come over Trixie's face. With wide eyes and a shaky voice, she asked the disembodied voice, "Who are you and how can you hear us in The GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie's carriage? And what in Equestria are these tags you speak of?
"Oh, don't mind me. I was just on my way out, so to speak. Seth can explain it to you."
"Seth, what is the meaning of all this?" Trixie began to interrogate Seth.
"Um, have you heard of the movie Stranger Than Fiction?"
"Yes, The GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie has seen that movie. If The GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie recalls correctly, which she always does, it stared Fill Marrell."
"Well, I think this is kind of like that, except instead of imminent death, it's imminent ship, which makes no sense, since I'm a BOX, you stupid author. And it starred Fill Marrell? Pfft, now the author's just being lazy, too."
"This author, is that who that voice was? And what are these "tags" he speaks of?" Trixie inquired of Seth.
Seth, not wanting to give away the meaning of those tags, said, "Don't worry about those tag things, that's just some random gibberish. And yeah, that's the author. He's the reason I'm a box when I'm SUPPOSED to be a unicorn."
"Seth, why have you never mentioned you were not meant to be a box? Surely I, The GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie could use her MARVELOUS magic to revert you to your proper form!" at those words, Trixie struck a boastful pose.
Seth's voice grew excited at that prospect, and he shouted, "Really, GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie? You would do that for me?"
"Of course Seth, after all, you've been The GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie's special helper," Trixie's alluring voice strung Seth along. A mystical purple glow began to fill the carriage as Trixie tapped into her magic reserves, which had grown considerably since she began studying more powerful forms of magic after that run in with an Ursa Minor.
As Trixie magicked Seth, he began to take on a form unfamiliar to mare, as he was reverting back into his human self with his brown eyes, black hair, boyish face, and black shirt and pants.
"Oh, come on!" Seth frustratedly exclaimed.
"The GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie has never seen a creature such as yourself. The GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie thought you said you were a unicorn!"
"No, I was supposed to become a unicorn when I came into Equestria, but this is my original form. I'm a human." Seth let out a sigh, because everyone knows ponies are way better than humans.
"A human? The GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie has never heard of such a creature! And do you know what? The GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie likes this form of yours. Us ponies do always keep an open mind." Trixie ran a hoof down Seth's arm, and noticed how warm it was. She then got up onto her hind legs and tousled Seth's already messy head of hair.
Trixie's voice taking on a seductive tone, Trixie crooned, "Oh yes, you'll do nicely." She then pushed him down onto his back, and for Ace2401's lack of will to come up with a better description, made out with him.
Seth was rather surprised at his new situation, but being helplessly enamored with Trixie, did nothing to fight it. He was past caring about the creepiness of a human being shipped with a pony at this point.
Trixie came up to catch her breath, and said, "Hmm... interesting."
"Me gusta," was all Seth could say in reply.
"Yes... indeed. We still have a night before we reach Ponyville and The GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie wants to see what those clothes of yours are hiding." Trixie then began to drag Seth into the bedroom by the cuff of his pants.
Seth began to stutter, "I... umm... can we do that?"
"Like The GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie said, us ponies keep an open mind about this sort of thing. Besides, ponies don't even normally wear clothes!"
"...Alright, if you say so..." Seth somewhat but not really reluctantly allowed Trixie to drag him off.
* * * * * * *
At that point, I really did leave them alone. Things were starting to get a little weird, so if you want to know what happened that night, ask Seth. Not me.
* * * * * * *
As the sun sat above the eastern horizon, Trixie peered out her carriage's window and saw Ponyville slowly crawling towards them from the edge of the horizon.
"Seth, The GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie wishes that you didn't insist wearing those silly clothes. Your... anatomy... is rather interesting" Trixie slowly ran her tongue across her lips.
Seth walked up next to the mare and started brushing through her mane with his hand. Seeing Trixie licking her lips, he joked, "Trixie, you're such a slut."
"The GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie is NOT a SLUT! She is a WHORE! There IS a difference!" came Trixie's angry response.
"I... uh... I was just joking, I didn't mean anything by it," Seth stammered, now on the defensive, and with wide eyes and a stunned look on his face.
"BAHAHAHA! Seth, you should have seen the look on your face! The GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie got you good!" She continued to laugh and stamp her hoof on the carriage's floor. "The GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie must admit, she can be quite the whore, as you may have noticed during my fun last night." At that, Seth's cheeks grew scarlet, and Trixie let out another chuckle.
As Seth regained his composure, he asked, "So, how soon will we get to Ponyville?"
"The GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie thinks we should be there within the hour."
"Cool, I need to go get myself some food now that I'm human again, and my body can't digest any of those flowers or hay you have. When we get there, I'm gonna head off and see what I can find."
Trixie let out a sigh, and moaned "The GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie supposes you can leave her side for a while, but don't be gone too long."
"I wouldn't dare!" At that point Seth moved in to give Trixie a kiss, which she returned on full force. Again, Seth found himself making out with Trixie.
Which I still refuse to describe. I know I'm supposed to show and not tell to be writing well, but screw that, you're not making me give you details.
After a while longer, the two arrived on the outskirts of Ponyville, and Seth headed out (with a supply of bits given to him by Trixie) to town while Trixie prepared her magic act. Unsurprisingly, Seth turned heads as he walked into the town, but nopony really had much of a reaction to the strange man otherwise, as after the debacle with Zecora, the ponies made sure to avoid passing judgement on any creature that seemed intelligent, and Seth's clothes qualified him in their eyes.
Coming in to the center of town, Seth kept his eyes open for Sugarcube Corner, where he hoped to buy some muffins before Derpy got to them. He also secretly hoped that he would be able to track down and visit Twilight Sparkle, something he was sure Trixie would be unhappy with, but Seth couldn't help himself. He figured if he was in Equestria, he was going to see everything and everypony there was to see, and on the top of his list was a certain lavender unicorn.
As he rounded a corner, Seth's eyes were treated with the sight of a building with an unmistakable gingerbread house design topped with a tower which appeared made from two giant cupcakes with pink frosting. There was no mistaking it, Seth had found his way to Sugarcube Corner.
Seth made his way inside the bakery, and to his relief, he had somehow beat the morning rush. He could hear the banging of pots and pans in the kitchen as Pinkie and the Cakes prepared the day's confections to sell to all the hungry ponies. Seth rung the counter bell to announce his presence.
"Pinkie dearie, could you go attend to the counter? We have a customer!" came Mrs. Cake's homey voice.
"Uh oh" Seth muttered to himself, knowing that Pinkie Pie would only make his incomprehensible situation even more so.
"Haha, you're not the only one that's afraid of Pinkie. My editor just ditched the document when he heard Pinkie Pie was coming." Seth jumped at hearing Ace2401 making his presence known as a certain pink pony bounded into the room. "Oh, hi Pinkie Pie!"
"Hi Ace! Hi Seth!" Pinkie gleefully greeted Seth and Ace2401.
By the way readers, what was left of the fourth wall just completely shattered. I figured I would lampshade that for you (and everything else if you hadn't noticed), because it's better than a bare bulb! Anyway, I'm sorry, but prepare for the story to get totally derailed by my desire to talk to Pinkie. Admit it though, you would do it too.
"You two know each other? And you already know my name?" Seth asked, flabbergasted.
"Pinkie Pie knows all, sees all, saws all. As in she saw everything that's happened, because that's how she rolls."
"Yessiree! How's it going, writing writer?" Pinkie asked Ace2401.
"Oh, you know, just ignoring basic fiction writing conventions and giving my editor crap for bailing out when he saw you were coming. I think he was afraid you were going to make him into cupcakes. People make such a big deal over that fic. It's a little ridiculous, if you ask me. Though while we're on the subject, how do you feel about that story, Pinkie?"
"What about me?" Seth asked.
Ace2401 began to tell Seth off, "Give me a minute to talk to Pinkie, will ya? You're the one that's actually in Equestria, you'll have your turn. Jeez," Ace2401 turned his attention back to Pinkie, "So, Pinkie Pie, your thoughts on Cupcakes?"
"Well, it was pretty creepa creeperific and grosstacular and I wouldn't ever think of hurting Dashie since she's like my bestest best friend ever but I always crack up at the creepy so it gave me an idea for an hilariously awesometastic prank for me and Dashie to pull on Twilight because she's so funny to prank so we got some raspberry jam and Dashie pretended to be dead and the look on Twilight's face was SO FUNNY!" The pink pony fell back on her back and laughed hysterically, kicking out her hooves in mirth. After she calmed down, she added, "Twilight got kinda mad though and said not to pull a prank like that ever again, and she even made us Pinkie Promise, so maybe it was a bit much. Oh well."
"Pinkie Pie, you are so random." Ace2401 deadpanned.
A throat clearing from Seth reminded the two that he was waiting to buy some muffins.
"Oh Seth! Sorry to keep you waiting but talking to writers is SO FUN! I always love reading all the stories bronies write about us!"
"What about the all the shipping?" Ace2401 enquired of Pinkie.
Seth, seeing he was still being ignored, facepalmed.
Pinkie jumped back on her four hooves and a face-splitting grin (even by Pinkie standards) overtook her previous expression."I love all the shipping stories! They're all so cute and adorable and PinkieDash is my One True Pairing!" Suddenly, Pinkie's cheeks somehow became even pinker as she realized what she had just let slip. "Oh fudge, I just said that out loud, didn't I?"
"Yes, you did." Ace2401 let out a sigh that somehow filled the entire bakery like a gust of wind. "Well, this is awkward, because I ship FlutterDash. Um... sorry Pinkie, but since this is my story and Dash isn't planned to have much of a role at this point (though just because I typed that the universe is sure to find a way to make me put her in the story), Rainbow Dash is out of hands reach for you. Wait... I mean hooves reach. Yeah. Let's go with that."
"Aww, horseapples. That's no fair." Pinkie kicked the ground, her face contorting into a pout.
"Sorry I made you sad Pinkie. If it makes you feel any better, I'll try to avoid the temptation to throw in some random FlutterDash on a whim, author appeal be darned." After a moment, Ace2401 added, "I'm looking at you, Butterscotch Sundae."
"Isn't it a bit hypocritical to call someone else out on overdoing author appeal when you're using it to take over the narrative to talk to Pinkie? I still want to get my muffins! And what if you were holding up the line with all this talk?" Seth scolded Ace2401.
"Seth, talking is a free action. Everyone knows that. But you're right, I've taken up two pages and almost 700 words in this scene just to talk to Pinkie Pie. And if you're reading this Butterscotch, I mean no offense, you're a great writer. I enjoyed "The Party Never Ended" and so did Pinkie, as you may have noticed earlier. Anyway, catch you later Pinks!"
A Pink hoof waved through the air, and Pinkie shouted "Bye Ace! It was fantastically fantasteriffic talking with you! I'll be there with you later!"
A presence seemed to leave the room as Ace2401 left the conversation and resumed being a mere observer.
"Ugh, FINALLY, that was ridiculous!" shouted a rightfully aggravated Seth. "Pinkie, can I get twenty muffins of different varieties to go?"
"Okie dokie lokie! That'll be forty bits!" Pinkie replied, taking Seth's bits from him to finalize the purchase.
"So Pinkie, is there anything I should know about Ponyville and Equestria that the show never showed?" Seth asked.
"Well, us ponies are pretty liberal with relationships and stuff that goes along with that, so don't be surprised if you see some weird stuff going on." Pinkie tapped her hoof against her head, trying to think of anything else that Seth might want to know. "Hmm... I guess that's pretty much all there is to know!"
"Yeah, I had kinda noticed there might be something going on like that." Seth said, thinking upon his last night with Trixie. "Oh, and one more thing: I was hoping to track down Twilight, I'd love to meet her. How do I get to her library?"
"Oh that's easy peasy! You just- ...hey! How come I'm not giving Seth directions?" Pinkie peered up into empty space, but her eyes bore into Ace2401 as he knew the gaze was directed at him. However, he ignored her gaze and continued his silence. Eventually, she gave up her ploy, and let out a sigh. "Oh fine, but you're such a lazy lazypants Ace. Here's a map Seth, since someone won't bother typing up spoken directions."
A dumbstruck look had settled upon Seth's face, but he shook it off and gave Pinkie thanks and farewell for the map. Twilight's library was only a short walk away and Seth hoped the journey there would be rather uneventful. However, that hope was of course futile, and a rainbow cyan blur came flying at him and kissed him full on the lips just to prove it.
"Sorry mister whatever you are, but I lost a bet with my friend Rarity so I had to do that. It's... a long story." explained Rainbow Dash. An indignant look came over the pegasus as she added, "And Pinkie Pie thinks the whole thing is a laugh and makes fun of me saying I'm being shipped with everypony! Whatever that means..." Rainbow Dash flew off grumbling to herself before Seth could even respond.
After recovering from the shock of apparently being shipped with Rainbow Dash, Seth continued on to Twilight's, which soon came into view. Somewhat nervously, Seth walked up to the door and gave it a knock.
The door opened, and before Seth stood a lavender unicorn who also happened to be Princess Celestia's most faithful student; none other than Twilight Sparkle.
To Be Continued...
A/N: This fic is loaded with references, including to all the songs I listened to to help me write this little story. I also bet you can't figure then all out! XD Cookies however are on offer for those who do figure out my references. Good Luck, you'll need it!